Chaos and Utter Destruction

I'm gonna be honest, Monday I was in a mood. For no apparent reason, I was just in a mood, and admittedly kinda choosing to stay in that mood. Thank heavens I am blessed enough to have good friends who notice when I'm a little off and who were there to listen while I talked myself through it, one of whom was my roommate. Now she has been going through some tough decisions lately and some stressful family stuff has come up at the same time so we're just crazy pair right now, but as we were talking she referenced me to a devotional given by Elder Cook last week at BYU. 

In his devotional Elder Cook speaks about our decisions and how the adversary tries to create a paradigm shift to make Godly decisions seem less appealing the worldy decisions seem like  more appealing option. This is one of the ways he has been trying to deceive man from the beginning of this world. Elder Cook was warning us to choose wisely and follow the Lords counsel, because while the Lord will give us the agency to choose are actions, we do not get to choose the consequences, and sometime the consequences affect more than just us directly. 

Of course when I listen to talks like this I get all inspired and think if I just choose a little more wisely life will get a little better...which it always will, but not always immediately and not in the way I may think. I was reading 3 Nephi 7 & 9 today which is right before the Savior appears to the people in the Americas. Now there were many wicked people, however mixed among them there were some righteous people who chose to repent. As we may recall, right before the Savior comes there are great earthquakes, cities are destroyed, and there is complete darkness. Personally, if I was one of the people that had just repented I would probably have been super scared and confused thinking, "I thought when I repented I would be getting blessed, that I would be protected from this destruction, that there would be light in my life". I mean, many of them were protected in that they lived, but they still had to go through the destruction and darkness before seeing the light (of the Savior).

I have seen this pattern repeating in my life over and over, things go well, I'm feelin' good, life is comfortable, then I see something coming in the future that I'm excited for and bam, utter destruction and darkness. My world starts to feel like it is falling apart or there is chaos when I haven't changed anything, or sometimes I've changed for the better. Unfortunately, Satan will always be trying to make our lives hard, especially when we're trying to take a step in the direction the Lord wants us to go. And sometimes other's decisions will have consequences that affect us and bring darkness or chaos into our lives. But without fail in my life, at the end of the darkness the Savior always comes and he always brings light and peace and order back into my world. I'm so grateful that I have leaders and scriptures that give warnings of the adversaries plan, and places I can go for answers and peace while I'm in the darkness to find strength and courage until I can see the light.

History Repeats Itself

Good news friends, I finished my biochemistry class and got a 90% on my final, yes that means that I have been accepted into my graduate program and now eagerly awaiting June to start. In other good news, the incredible hunk and I just got back from a weekend in Las Vegas where he met my whole family and my parents got to meet his mom. It was a pretty good and busy weekend, but sadly it did make me miss LV. I think the past 9 months in OK just haven't gone the way I imagined so I'm not loving it, but hopefully over the next 3 years I will grow more fond of it. 

One of the things I found myself really missing out Vegas is all of the different kinds of culture I was able to experience there. I think that comes naturally with bigger cities, you have more people, and therefore will likely have people from different cultural backgrounds. One thing I remember not loving about more people though is the way people act when they are together. Over the last year in the US there has been a lot of controversy, I think largely in part due to the election. There was a lot of publicity about the Black Lives Matter movement last year along with police shootings and violent protests, and since the election there have been several Women's Marches. I definitely have my opinion on many of those controversial topics which I will not include, but as I was reading in 3 Nephi 6 today I was kind of reminded of the situation in our country currently.

In this chapter pride, wealth, and class distinctions arise which is followed by conspiracies. It just kept reminding me that from what I've seen through history, generally when large groups of people get together, segregation by wealth or popular opinion, or culture or whatever it may be causes a divide amongst the group. And this is purely my observation, but it seems like often what we hear the most isn't necessarily the most popular opinion, or the most common incidences, but more likely it is the opinion of the loudest person or group that is heard and understood to be the general belief. In the end of chapter 6 the wicked people begin secretly killing the righteous people who do not agree with them or try and seek justice them. This sounds absolutely menace to us, that they kill people who don't agree with them, but if we were to honestly take a step back I'm not sure how far away we are from that today. As I mentioned earlier in this post, some of the protests have become largely violent and unlawful where people have become injured or killed, and it's because when these protest groups have thoughts that others don't agree with, they choose to try and force their beliefs on others claiming that it is their right to have their voice heard (which it is) but they seem to forget that those with differing ideas are also entitled to their voice being heard with respect. 

I love this video that I have seen surrounding social media reminding us that while we may feel like our class, wealth, culture, or whatever makes us so different from one another that we must separate ourselves and sometime hate each other, we probably face many of the same things in life because we are all humans and we all have the Lord on our side trying to help us and Satan trying to influence us. I myself have been guilty at times I'm sure of wanting to separate myself, but what a great reminder and warning we have in the scriptures that we are all here fighting the same enemy, that is Satan, to return to our father in heaven.

Not Stagnant Anymore

I almost laughed when I logged on. I obviously haven't blogged in over a year and my last blog was talking about wanting to start a family and find Mr Right. The reason I laughed was because I looked at the date stamp and literally one week later I went to a Halloween party and caught the eye of the incredible hunk. Granted we didn't start dating for another 2 months, but now a year later it's crazy to me how fast the time has gone and how much has happened since then. Looking back, the last year has been incredibly crazy and incredibly difficult. I was so stagnant for so long and then the Lord seemed to throw everything at me all at once which has brought some great blessings and some valuable (but didn't seem so great at the time) growing opportunities.

As a brief catch up, I was accepted into graduate school, but had to defer for a year due to some unexpected circumstances. I moved to OK anyway to gain residency before starting in June 2017 which has proven to me more difficult than I expected (and I was expecting it to be one of the most difficult moves I will make). When I moved here I knew no one, had no place to live, no job, no plan really. After 3 months of searching I finally found a job, huzzah! Then after after 4 months of not so subtle hinting convinced the incredible hunk to move to OK, best victory I've ever accomplished. Then it was finding him a job and place to live, and finally when he was settled and I thought we could comfortably ride out our time before I start school I was laid off from my job, like literally the same weekend. Needless to say, I had a terrible weekend with very little sleep and am now trying to frantically find a job.

I was really struggling this weekend with such awful feelings in my heart like anger, disrespect, hate, frustration, and confusion. I knew that I needed to forgive and move on from these feelings, but forgiveness can be hard, particularly when the people who have wronged are people that you expected to be good honest people. I was also mildly frustrated because it seems as though I can't catch a break. I want to be clear that at this moment (and if I'm being honest throughout this process it will probably come and go) I am not angry or frustrated with the Lord, but just the situation. What happened just seemed so unfair and so unjust. As I was reading in 3 Nephi 4: 31 I realized that unfair and unjust things happen all the time. Wicked robbers were coming to attack the Nephites for reasons that were unjust and unfair, obviously they're robbers. But the Nephites continually turned to the Lord "praising their God for the great things which he had done from them, in preserving them from falling into the hands of their enemies".

People can try to knock us down, or rob us, or hurt us, but they can't take away our character or our faith. During this bitter weekend I thought of so many things I could do to react to the situation and "get back" at those who had been unfair to me, but ultimately that wouldn't have improved the situation and at the end of the day it honestly wouldn't have made me feel any better. My number one goal in life to to become more like that Savior so that I can return to live with him one day, and to do that I must choose to act like the Savior and not just react to situations like the natural man inside of me wants to.

Where Do The Good Boys Go To Hide Away?!

It has been to long since I've utilized this little blog, and since I've had a lot on my mind lately I thought this would be a good place to turn. After conference I've been thinking a lot about changes that I could make in my life to progress. Over the last few months I've been thinking about dating and marriage. Lately it seems like so many people I've been talking to are either divorced, or contemplating divorce. While I know that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and both parties have probably been at fault at some point, I have recently developed this fear that when I get married my husband will one day decide that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore or that he doesn't want to be active in the church anymore. The stark reality that everyone has the agency to make decisions that can affect others both for good and ill has become more abundantly obvious to me.

I was talking to a friend after church today who pointed out to me that I was "to picky" and that boys won't ask me out because there is nothing they can do for me that I can't do for myself. I found this interesting as we have not really talked about dating, nor have I turned anyone down who has asked me. Why would she have the perception that I am picky, and how is wanting to find someone that is strong and active in the gospel being picky? I'm not expecting perfection as I myself have many things to work on and would be unworthy of perfection. I was told a few weeks prior to this that I seemed snobby and that others thought that I thought I am too good for others. Hearing this feedback makes me wonder what others perceptions are of me and what changes I can make to become more approachable. Also, I find it interesting that these boys want to feel needed, but how can I be needy if I have to support myself? My family lives 10 hours away, if I don't have a job and take care of my car and build my own shelves who will do it for me?

The gospel teaches us to be self sufficient and gain all the knowledge in this life that we can. How can I balance being a single LDS woman that must be independent enough to support myself and still be actively seeking to become married? I don't want to be intimidating or unapproachable, but I also don't want to put my life on hold and wait for some boy to come find me...or realize how great I am. I was reading in Mosiah this week and found 23:21-22 really stuck out to me. "Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day. Yea, and thus it was with this people." It's hard to hear that people find me unapproachable, but that gives me something to work on, and I have faith that if I am patient the Lord will bless me. I have been promised an eternal family as I am righteous and I trust that that blessing will be fulfilled when the time is appropriate.

Tenderhearted

It seems as though every time I try to focus my life more on the gospel and bury myself in productive gospel related things to further my progression, I become more emotional and sensitive. I don't necessarily view that as a bad thing when I'm surrounded by good people in places where the spirit dwells, but living in sin city can make it a little difficult to not become a little callus. Let's paint the picture.

Over the weekend I had a somewhat spiritual epiphany, as I shared in my last blog. It was a wonderful thing to feel like I had a new direction to work toward. I went to work more cheerful and at fhe was more outgoing and encouraging to others. I felt like my old self where I was looking outside myself at how I could include others and help them have a good time. Life was good until I was headed home talking to my mom. She was asking me if I was going to the ysa dance this weekend to which I told her I had no one to go with. My friends don't go to activities like that and the people I know that go to those activities aren't my friends. They're the type of people that are in constant competition for the attention of the same  few guys (who are usually people I'm pretty close with, but lucky for me they treat me like one of the guys). My only really good friend is about to get married, and it dawned on me that while I know a lot of people and many would consider me their friend that would help them out, I wouldn't consider most of those people my friends because they haven't been there for me when I needed them.

Great, thanks mom, I went from a spiritual high to a depressed, feeling sorry for myself state. I knew the only thing that would make me feel better was reading my scriptures, then talking to someone else about them, and trying to make there day. I turned to my scriptures first and as always the Lord knows what I needed. As I stated in my last blog, I want to be able to apply everything the Lord says to his servants in the scriptures to myself and here was my first chance. 1 Nephi 2: 19-23. Mostly the end of 19 and beginning of 20 "Blessed art thou, [Kaysha], because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart. And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper". It was exactly what I needed to hear to keep my spirits up. The Lord knows the desires of my heart, he knows exactly how I'm feeling and can comfort me. Luckily for me my roommate was home, so with a new attitude and after being reminded I'm never alone I went to talk with her which quickly lifted my spirits.

Once again I went to bed feeling the love of my Savior and returned to work in a cheerful mood. At least I was until I talked to a co-worker who started belittling me. I felt more hurt than normal, as I have been trying to work off the calluses of the Vegas attitude and see and treat people in a more Christlike way. It's a difficult habit to break, to choose to act and not react, and I know it will take a long time for me to master, but as I've shared, I've had too many witnesses, particularly in the last few weeks, to deny the Lord is in my life, and with Him I can do ANYTHING.

Temple Treasures I Never Knew Existed

When I was getting ready to go through the temple I was so nervous that it would be weird and I wouldn't understand and I'd be making covenants that I wasn't ready for. Talk about major anxiety (thanks Satan), but I was surprised when I went through, that everything seemed so familiar, and all the things I was covenanting to do I thought I had already covenanted to do. It was then that I wondered why people had made such a big deal about it to me, that it would be so different, so new. In the last few weeks however, as I've relistened to conference talks and lessons in church I have a new perspective, new understanding, of what they're teaching. I'm learning the same things, but it just seems to make more sense. It's weird, I don't know how to describe it, but I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the gospel before (although there is always room for learning) but now it's like I'm understanding in a way I didn't even know existed.

I think the neatest thing to me though is how much it has built my faith in the Lord hearing me and has been evidence to me that the Lord keeps his promises. My dad pointed out to me the first time I went through that I should always go with a specific prayer in mind because he will hear it. We ask him specifically to hear us. The first few times I went through I had very specific wants and needs that I asked for, knowing full well he could provide them, and it was amazing to me how almost instant he provided. I knew there was power there so this last week I asked for something that I thought might take a little more time and effort on my part, but again he delivered almost instantly. As I sat contemplating this in sacrament meeting yesterday I became excited, but also nervous realizing how much the Lord is there for me and how much he does for me. I thought of the true desires of my heart, things I get to nervous to ask for wholeheartedly knowing that I had to have faith that he could provide them and not sure I am yet ready myself to ask for them with the faith that they would happen. It is me that is the imperfect being, denying myself blessings because of my lack of faith, it my impure thoughts and actions.

The last month, with the temple in my life, I feel like my desire to learn has increased again (about time I've made more of an effort to get out of my stagnant mindset). I've been trying to be more teachable, and I decided yesterday that I wanted to figure out what changes the Lord would have me make in my life. As the speakers were speaking I pondered my relationship with the Savior and how that is being strengthened, but all the speakers kept talking about these people in their lives that are so kind, and so patient, and so Christlike. I realised I want people to be able to say things like that about me and while I don't know what others would say, I'm so sure I would consider myself to have those qualities. Someone quoted the primary song "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" and I wanted that. I tried to think about people I wanted to be like and how often I'm around them. I then thought about the people I'm around often and if I want to be like them (because it's proven we become like the people we choose to spend time with). By the end of the day I was filled with such motivation and desire to make some changes in my life. As I read the Book of Mormon again I want to be able to insert my name into every scripture describing these great prophets and think yep, I'm like that, yep I'm doing that. With new understanding and power I've gained from making the decision to receive my endowment and attend the temple regularly I'm thrilled to read the Book of Mormon yet again and learn something new.

So I Knew She Could Dance

I was watching so you think you can dance with my roommates last night and I commented to them that one of the dances looked really familiar to me. Then when they said the dancers name I told them I thought it was one of my efy kids. So I did a little investigating (thank you Facebook) and sure enough she was one of my kids the last week of my first summer, she was 14 at the time. As I was looking at her pictures I wondered if she is still active in the gospel, it seems that many lds individuals that end up on that show fall away from the church either before they get there or shortly after.

Last night I was reading in Alma 47 when Amalickiah uses treachery to gain the thrown and poisons the chief captain by degrees to kill him and become the king. It is one of my favorite stories in the BOM because no matter how many times I read and no matter what is going on in my life or in the world the story it's applicable. I hope this sweet girl it's still active in church, but she will have to work hard being in those surroundings to not come down off the mount even a little and not let little things slide by.

We watched this really great video at institute last night and I wish I could find it but after searching for an hour I'm thinking my success is doubtful. Anyway, it was about someone who was going through a major trial in his life which he struggled with so much he questioned his ability to live in the gospel even though he was a strong active member with a testimony. One day, after he hadn't been going to church for some time he could feel light gone from his life so he prayed. He said that he didn't feel an answer that what he was doing was wrong, but he knew it wasn't right either, all he felt from the Lord however was love. From that moment on he knew that his journey was between him and the Lord. It didn't matter what the cultural norms were, it didn't matter what others time tables looked liked, his journey was very personal with God leading him. He decided to take life one day at a time as he tried to figure out what he was to do, and his trial became so much more manageable.

I love that this concept can go either way. We can be poisoned by degrees if we aren't careful, but if we build are testimony line upon line, one day at a time with the Lord, our trials can become so much more manageable. I often struggle with the overwhelming idea of the future, thinking I have to have everything figured out, and sometimes thinking that small mistakes can mean dooms day, like I'm through and there's no hope left. 

Normally when I read Alma 48 I focus on verse 17 and how I want to be like Moroni (duh he is my favorite and I have stated before I want to marry a man like him) and have the very powers of hell shake forever. Last night however my focus turned to verse 19 which I have never really focused on. It talks about how "Heleman and his brethren were no less serviceable unto the people than was Moroni". I'm not sure why I had never noticed that before but it suddenly made me feel a whole lot better. I don't have to be nearly perfect and make the powers off hell shake to be serviceable to God. Me, with my imperfections and constant need for guidance and attention day by day can still be useful to the Lord in furthering his work and teaching his children the gospel. All the Lord asks from us is that we do our best and he will make up the difference. While I must accept that my best will never be perfect, I know that the Lord knows my efforts and that all he had promised will be given in his time table because he loves me.